10 years of healing
I’m feeling nostalgic these days. Ten years ago our youngest daughter was born and it was the most beautiful, amazing day. Her birthday is a reminder of how far we’ve come as a family and how much healing I’ve done in the last ten years.
In 2015, I was suffering from debilitating back pain having herniated a disc in my back. When she was born, I didn’t know how severe the herniation was but I could barely walk. When I held her in my arms, I had to always sit down because I was too weak to stand and hold our newborn at the same time. I was also struggling with significant depression and anxiety. My depressive episodes had been bad before, but this was something new. My medication wasn’t working anymore, I had insomnia that had lasted more than six months, and my mood was spiraling downward quickly. Crisis alarms were going off in my head and my wife had just given birth to our birthday baby. We also had a four year old who needed her parents. So, things were tough. Two weeks after our youngest was born, I had my first appointment with the woman who is still my therapist today.
Reflecting on the last ten years, what’s changed? To start, this is the longest I’ve ever worked with the same therapist. Committing to Cognitive-Behavioural Therapy (CBT), despite how hard it was at the beginning, was what I think really helped the most. I also worked with my doctor to find a new anti-depressant and anxiety medications that would stabilize my mood. Thankfully, I’ve been successfully taking these medications for the last ten years and that, in combination with CBT, I credit for helping me mange my major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder.
I got a physiotherapist to help with my back and that worked for about two years. I was able to use non-invasive interventions to get my strength back but then the pain returned in full force in 2017. I had back surgery in 2018 and my low back has been pretty well managed every since. Never underestimate the negative impact of chronic pain on your mental health, low back pain almost destroyed mine.
With CBT and new meds, my sleep returned to normal. I will say, I was off work. This was a huge advantage and one that I don’t take lightly - I was able to take 9 months off to be at home with my family and to heal. I will never forget how important that time was and how badly I needed a rest to recover my mental and physical health.
In the summer of 2018, after my back had healed enough, I walked into a local spin studio called Wheelhouse Cycle and have never looked back. Seven years later, I just hit 500 rides and now I’m going for 1000. It’s my home away from home and brings me so much joy. I had almost forgotten how much I love exercise until I walked into Wheelhouse. That studio and the community of people that ride there are truly a gift.
Ten years later, the one person that has made the biggest difference is my wife. Without Meg, I wouldn’t be here today, I’m convinced of it. She has held me close even in my darkest hours. Her dedication to our marriage and family are truly the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. I used to tell her that there was something wrong with me, that I was broken - that’s how my grief made me feel. But now I know that I’m not broken, just banged up from things in my life that I didn’t have any control over. And she sees the beauty in that anyway.
Ten years later, I’m proud of everything I’ve done to get healthier and happier. It’s still a journey I’m on, and I feel a lot better about navigating it will the tools and supports I’ve learned over these last ten years.
