A new year’s wish
It’s early on the morning of New Year’s Day, and I’m sitting snug under a blanket beside our Christmas tree. I’m so grateful to be safe inside with my family, after spending a really fun NY Eve with them. I’m thinking of my Mom, and how much she loved Christmas and the holidays. I’m also thinking about her last Christmas, it wasn’t good. It was full of conflict, grief and strife. My parents, at my Mom’s insistence, had booked a trip to Hawaii for the new year. It was an expensive holiday, something my parents had never done before. But we knew it was her last Christmas, and that we needed to get away as a family. I was only 17 but I knew this was serious, my parents grief was starting to consume them, and in their way, they couldn’t face it. They fought and dug in, it was horrible. I played peacemaker and I always did. That was horrible. I resented them both and couldn’t understand why they couldn’t figure themselves out. They never could when the going got tough, it just made their conflict worse.
Now, looking back, I see what they couldn’t face, and understand that their own trauma made it impossible for them to see through the grief at the prospect of my Mom’s death. And then, as if nothing was happening, we got on a plane to Maui. Landing in Hawaii was one of the most surreal experiences of my life. I’ve never seen any place more beautiful. It was as if the ocean and the sun were placed there just for us, to heal our family and make us whole. I knew this wasn’t really possible but being in that magical place, seeing Lahaina for the first time and the banyan tree, swimming in the ocean and eating to most incredible food, it was pure…magic.
We spent the week in a condo near the beach, my Mom tanning in the sun, feeling the heat and sun on her dying skin. I read my book and swam in an amazing pool. My Dad and brother swan with turtles. My parents drove the road to Hana and loved it. I wish I knew what they talked about when they went on that drive. Did they talk about my Mom’s health? Or us kids? Did they make plans? Did they give their apologies? I’ll never know, but at least they were together and not hurling profanities at one another.
They came back in a good mood, really happy that they’d make the trek. We took photos with the new underwater camera my brother got as a Christmas gift. I don’t know where those photos live now but they are some of my most cherished memories. We rang in the new year in flip flops and shorts, and ate tuna salad for new year’s eve dinner. It was perfect. The four of us, finally at peace, if only for one night.
She died six months later, on June 17. It felt like that beach in Maui was a million miles away. The grief engulfed us and then drowned our family. Sadly, the four of us didn’t survive her death as a family. But we will always have that week in Hawaii, over new year’s , as our family’s final holiday.
This is what I’m taking into 2026. The hope of new beginnings and memory, of my Mom, of what we suffered, and what I’ve learned through all of this. It’s been a long road to get here and now I feel more at peace that I think I have in my entire life. A new year’s wish for us all - peace, calm and rest.
