The grief of being a Motherless Mom
When I became a mother, I expected joy. And there was plenty of it. But I didn't expect the tidal wave of grief that came with it.
Every first moments with our daughters, I was laced with the absence of my mom. She wasn't there to tell me I was doing a good job. She wasn't there to share her wisdom about sleepless nights or teething or the overwhelming love that takes your breath away. She wasn't there to meet her granddaughters. Even now, as my girls turn 15 and 10, that ache is still there on their birthdays, at holidays, and during major life events.
The grief of being a motherless mom is rarely talked about, but it's so real. We're navigating one of the most transformative experiences of our lives without the person who knew us first, who raised us, who we imagined would be there for this huge chapter of our lives.
I've learned that I can hold both joy and grief at the same time. I can be grateful for my beautiful children while mourning the grandmother relationship they'll never have. I can celebrate milestones while feeling the ache of my mom's absence. These feelings don't cancel each other out, they continue to coexist.
Some ways I cope:
Sharing stories about my mom with my children;
Creating new traditions that honour her memory;
Connecting with other motherless moms who understand;
Allowing myself to cry even in the happy moments; and,
Keeping my relationships with the mother figures in my life who can offer support and wisdom, without judgement or the need to “fix” how I feel or explain it away because it makes them uncomfortable to think about.
If you're a motherless mom, I see you. Your grief and joy are valid. And you're doing an amazing job, even when it doesn't feel like it. I hope my Mom is watching me parent and is proud of how we’re raising our girls to be strong, caring, forthright and engaged in the world around them.
